By Sharon.
My earliest memory was at Primary school, where I remember always ‘thinking in my head’ to escape what was going on in the classroom and my teachers would often remark that I was a daydreamer! Fortunately my early teachers were very nurturing and spoke to me in a very gentle, motherly way which allowed me to be myself. In class I spent most of my time wondering…imagining….yearning to be outside…away from the stuffiness and confinement of a classroom..outside looked so much more inviting and exciting! I also remember at Primary school being asked to help children with special needs which was always a highlight for me and a time that I still treasure deeply. In my eyes they were very special and I wanted them to feel that way when they were around me. I absolutely loved physical activity, from P.E to gymnastics, swimming, dancing, trampolining and then hockey and netball. I felt more ‘me’ when I participated in these activities, anything that got me moving I loved I really wasn’t fussy! I also loved getting an opportunity to perform in school plays in Primary school as I was fascinated and adored being someone else and getting into ‘their world’ and feeling what it was like. I felt fully alive! I also remember very vividly comforting many crying adults at my very first funeral, telling them that all would be ok as God says we are just sleeping really and we would then be with Jesus in an amazing, pain free place! I was very much at ease in these circumstances and felt an urgency again to comfort others in the pain I could feel around me.
Another very poignant thing I can remember in my life was my adverse reaction to thunder and lightning and the fear that arose within in me! I didn’t deal well with this and I hid under the telephone table with my hands pressed on my ears for hours just incase the noise would come again and I would hear it. I was absolutely terrified and crippled with a deep fear! Looking back now I can see I was just trying to protect myself and receive comfort, something which I realise now was part of my life. Most photos of me as a child show my hand tucked under my leg and this is quite often how I was found and my dad commented on a lot, I think it was a comfort and a way to soothe and bring that calmness that I so longed for! The swing for me was always my ‘go-to’ and I had one of these in my first house but unfortunately it never travelled with us to our second house even though I lived in hope that one day it would follow. Even bedtimes for me where stressful at the thought of being separated from my parents so I would beg to fall asleep on my mum’s knee then my dad would carry me to bed when they were going to sleep for the night.
On moving to P7 I had my first experience of a male teacher…..and the nurturing stopped with an abruptness I will never forget…school life was very different. Daily, I was nervous when I was called up to the front to answer questions and then my mind would go blank and I couldn’t think but my teacher used to get very frustrated with me and bang the blackboard duster off the board which felt so loud.. louder than I could bear! Internally I started to feel I must be so bad to make someone so angry. Why could I not think under pressure like my peers seemed to? I was very glad to get away and escape P7. I just didn’t realise that I was essentially jumping from a frying pan into a fire….
The time for secondary school finally arrived…. and this is where I noticed an enormous shift and change within me as I now look back. Again sadly, I had a teacher who would make everyone stand up and when you got an answer right, you were allowed to sit down. Of course, in my panic, my brain would go blank and I couldn’t think at all and she would always repeat the phrase ‘two half wits will never make a whole wit’ and I felt so embarrassed and stupid! I never realised that into my adulthood, I would still remember and hear those words, and feel that inadequacy, over and over in my head! I didn’t want to be on the stage anymore, I got extremely nervous and even cried in high school when I was asked even to read anything aloud! Anything that involved me possibly failing or making a fool of myself, I did not want to know about it! I just wanted to hide! Every week when I went to collect my coat to go home it was always ripped in a different place and my mum would fervently sew this up, only for it to be ripped again. This solidified the fact that obviously all my peers felt I was worthless and stupid and would never amount to anything! I became so nervous in school, not wanting to use the school toilets, never going on any school trips, never even staying a full night at my grandparents home without phoning for my dad to bring me home! My brain was in utter chaos….this was all too much! Where was this cocoon I longed for? My brain needed a rest from all this torture of chatter, second-guessing what others were thinking and complete fear! Today I realise that this was indeed a trait of high sensitivity and yes…I did need a mental break…I just didn’t know that yet or even how this would be achieved. My environment in school had not been kind either which obviously added to the pressure that I already felt internally but all of this I had blamed on myself….there may have been a very different outcome at school if my teachers had been aware of this sensitivity trait and what I had to offer.
I then began the journey of GCSE’S and A’ levels and this is where my anxiety reached an all time high…the pressure I was putting on myself to achieve was enormous…..I couldn’t disappoint again but what if I did!? I started thinking about food all the time and planning exactly what I would eat to be healthy and maybe my brain might work better but this sent my brain into chaos as it was so hard to think of the ‘best’ thing to eat and this soon turned into an obsession which eventually led to anorexia nervosa which resulted in hospitalisation. I couldn’t cope with someone making me drink high calorie drinks to put on weight and I felt smothered and suffocated! The bright lights, the noises….feelings of abandonment and again cementing the fact that I must be a really terrible person to be taken away from my parents and left in a room all day by myself. I wanted to hurt myself as this pain felt better than the mental torture in my head! I was away from my parents who I loved dearly and had to put on weight before I could get out for an hour on a Sunday. I was told by the doctor that I would never be able to conceive at best and there was a strong possibility that I would shortly die of a massive heart attack as my body couldn’t cope with the weight that I had dropped to. This state could not be maintained long-term. All hope had gone and now I felt I really had disappointed my parents. There were many times when I awoke in bed to my dad lying beside me crying…I think he wanted to be with me just incase I might never wake up. Little did I know my family and friends were praying for me and God was working behind the scenes…I was not forgotten or abandoned…I thought I was a caterpillar and this is how life would be forever but I never once realised I was on a journey….a beautiful journey…all was not finished…this was not the end….